There I was, sitting alone in my college dorm room; fighting tears back because I didn’t know what God was doing to my life. My faith was about to be changed forever; God was about to speak to my heart.

            Before I explain what God said, I’ll give you an explanation as to why I was alone in my dorm room in the first place. You see, I grew up in a home torn by belief. My mother was a strong Christian; my father was an ex-Jehovah’s Witness. As much as my mother begged and pleaded, she could never get my father to go to church with her. He was always silent about what he believed and he didn’t want to be part of a religion again. My mother would always drag my two sisters and I with her to church. One by one, however, we began to look at my father and ask my mother why we had to go to church if he didn’t. She could never give us a straight answer, so we began to leave the church. We all thought that it was a waste of time and it was for old people (it was a very traditional church). When I was sixteen, I left the church, and though I prayed every night, it was mostly out of habit more than with any sincerity. My mother begged my family to go to church with her, but we were through with it.  

The summer after grade eleven, I began to work at KFC as a cook. I would work on Sundays on purpose, that way I had an excuse not to go to church. And then God did something unexpected; he let me notice a cute girl that was a cashier at the restaurant. My first meeting let me know that there was something different about her. I sat down in the tiny, cramped staff room to eat supper. She joined me for her break as well; out of habit I bowed my head and said a quiet three-second prayer before I ate. I turned to talk when I notice that her head was bowed and I had to wait for almost 2 minutes before she looked up. Three thoughts went through my head, she is either putting on a show, she’s super religious and I should avoid her at all costs, or she is an actual real life Christian teenager (I had never actually seen one at my church, just posers). It was the latter, her father was a pastor in a town half an hour away, and she worked in my town because there were more jobs.

 I had found my first Christian friend and it wasn’t long before we were talking until 3a.m. about life, friends and family. It had been two years since I last had a girlfriend and that relationship had ended badly. Yet, after three months I finally mustered up the courage to ask her out. She asked if she could pray about it over the weekend, and I said fine.

This is when trouble started. That very night I decided to celebrate by getting completely drunk at my best friends party. It was the first time I ever got drunk, I had held out for seventeen years without ever finishing a single glass or bottle of alcohol, and now I awakened a monster within me. When I asked her for an answer at school the following Monday she gave me a yes and I decided she never needed to know that I got drunk that weekend. For one month we had a relationship beyond anything I had ever known. I could trust her and I was learning about Jesus from a new perspective, I was actually learning about God and enjoying it for the first time that I could remember! But something was wrong, every time there was a party, I had to go to get drunk, it was fun. I tried to keep it a secret, but it was nearly impossible, she pretended she didn’t know about it. Then, after one month, she asked if she could talk to me. I never expected her to say what she said. I had been through many relationships and the excuses given at the end were shallow as to why it didn’t work, “it’s not you, its me,” or “I’m just not ready to date right now.” What she said nearly knocked me off my feet. “Brent, your faith isn’t strong enough, I’m sorry.” Not only did she tell me the truth, but it cut me right to the core. She saw right through the fake person I was pretending to be.

 It was 3 months before I stopped being angry. I knew she was right, but I couldn’t give up the life I just started to enjoy. It was impossible to stop drinking, clean myself up and go to church on my own. Not to mention commit my life to Christ. I would have to loose friends because I believed in something they didn’t. It wasn’t a risk that I wanted to take.

 But I did.

 By God’s grace, I looked at myself and said, “This isn’t the real Brent, this is a fake!” I stopped getting drunk and started to listen to God. It was five months before I mustered the courage to apologize for my behavior and ask the same girl out again. We both still liked each other, and so we prayed and after a month she said yes. It was heaven for almost eight months; we were so serious about each other that there was already talk of marriage. It was her suggestion that we both went to Bible College together. I thought it would be great, and after one year we would get married and life would be perfect.

God had a different plan.

She spent the summer in another province as a Bible camp councillor. I never saw her for 2 months, but we talked on the phone all the time and wrote letters. But something started to change in her, she didn’t talk as long as she used to, and we were starting to argue. When it was time for College we had almost had enough. But the first day of College seemed to erase all of that, and things looked like they were getting better. Then it happened.

 The second day of College, she asked if we could talk. It is impossible to hear the sound of heart breaking, but it’s as devastating as a train crashing through a bomb factory. It was over, there was no excuse except for “its not you, its me?” There I was, I looked pathetic, I was sitting on a bed in my dorm trying to get my thoughts in order. It was just last week we were talking about marriage and now I’m alone. I was getting ready to pack up and go home, but I thought I should pray. Maybe, just maybe, God would respond. I prayed for God to guide me to what I should do, and then I felt the spirit.

 It was a small warm glow around my heart. I heard him say to me, “Do you have any money left?”

I thought a moment, “No Lord, I spent all of my money of tuition.”

He asked, “Do you have any friends to impress?”

I replied, “No, they all moved away, I have no friends here.” I was beginning to feel very sad.

He asked, “Can you call your family?”

I was holding my tears, “no, I have no money.”

God asked, “Do you have a girlfriend?”

I couldn’t hold back, I was crying, “No, I have nothing left! Its just me, I’m alone! All alone!”

God replied, “Good, now pick up your cross and follow me.”

 I wish that I could say that that was the best year of my life. It was in one way, because I grew more spiritually, than I ever knew. Yet, I was emotionally torn and broken, stripped of all that I loved so that I would focus on God instead. I was once lost, thinking that God was an excuse for old people to meet in a building and someone to make you feel guilty by preaching about sin. That year I learned who Brent was and who God had made me to be. What I learned could best be summed up in these words,

 Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so.